So, I’m a breast cancer survivor. I was diagnosed early (early 40’s) after I felt a lump on my breast and decided to check it out. I am lucky in many ways throughout my cancer journey. It was triple negative, but I found it early (stage 2). And although my oncologist said I had about only about a 40% chance that the chemo would take care of it, my chemo cocktail that was given me completely melted away any traces of the cancer. Thank you, God.

Because I was so young, my oncologist urged me to get genetic screening. I did, and found out I am BRCA2+ meaning fate would have most likely given me this or another type of breast cancer anyway no matter what lifestyle I lead. For me at the time, I was healthy, my weight was fine (I was a size 4 forever, a dream size now because of surgically induced menopause), I never smoked and hardly drank, and exercised regularly. I was active, and at the time I had two kids in grade school and one in middle school so I was busy volunteering for them or running them around for all their sports and extracurricular activities, because, that’s what mom’s do.

With this newfound knowledge, shortly after chemo I elected for a skin-sparing bilateral mastectomy (all breast tissue and nipple and aureola removed) with reconstructive surgery as well as a bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy (removal of both my ovaries and Fallopian tubes). These were done to prevent any future breast or ovarian cancers, since I was at high risk for both.

So now you know my history. Since my friends and family all know that I have had breast cancer, I get asked a lot about how they can help someone who was just diagnosed. It’s crazy, but since I’ve experienced it, or maybe it’s because I’m just now noticing it, I’m finding that more and more women are being diagnosed with breast cancer.

Breast cancer sucks. But here are some ways that you can help someone who was diagnosed with it.

Just do something for that person. It’s the everyday thing that is hard.

As in, a cancer patient will at first think “I’ve got this.” And they soon realize that they do not, for cancer and the treatments for it take a toll on the body in ways unforeseen and unexpected. I didn’t want help. I didn’t think I needed any. I was hesitant to ask for help, because as a very busy mom to 3, I understood that everyone has their own shit to deal with and the last thing I wanted was to weigh someone else down. I was hesitant to accept help like a housekeeping gift certificate for a cleaning company because I just didn’t want anyone to think I didn’t have it all together.

A cancer patient sees enough cancer quotes and thinks “yes, a positive mind will get positive results.” Only, actual treatment begins and you are left completely and unexpectedly so weak you literally cannot get out of bed, or you vomit into the toilet because of the side effects and you just lie on the cool tile of the bathroom floor for what seems like hours because you know if you get up to move, you’ll just end up in the bathroom again.

Two mom friends decided that I needed dinner made and alternately brought it to me on the worst days, those couple of days directly after chemo days. My chemo was dose-dense, meaning I had chemo on Fridays every other week for 4 ½ months. And because they just stepped up and literally dropped the dinner off on my doorstep or had their kids deliver it to my kid at the driveway, I didn’t have to get up, invite them in, and constantly thank them. I was worried about putting them out, but there was no fanfare. They did it for no praise, and those meals on nights after chemo were so immensely helpful and so much needed because my body went into shutdown mode and the thought of and smell of food being prepared was mentally and physically crippling.

I’ll forever be grateful for those meals on those weekends after chemo, and to those special women, because those seemingly simple meals gave me the time to just focus on me those grueling days after treatment. A breast cancer patient will probably never ever ask for things to be done for them or their family because they know how busy a parent is and they don’t want to put another parent out. So, if you know of someone who has breast cancer, a simple meal once a week so they don’t have to worry about feeding their family one night will be absolutely helpful and will be gratefully accepted.

My advice: A cancer patient will have a hard time answering “how can I help” because they are overwhelmed at this point, so offering to do an everyday chore, like a simple meal, picking up a kid after school one day, babysitting one night, or grocery shopping or running to the drugstore for them so they can stay at home and rest, will be helpful. It’s the everyday physical ability to do things that we all take for granted.

Don’t say that their choice of treatment is the wrong one. If you are anti-pharmaceutical, keep opinions to yourself.

Accepting or not accepting an oncologist’s recommended treatment plan for one type of cancer is extremely personal and usually done with long, hard thought, and much analysis. Your friend’s treatment is her own. Also, explaining over and over the benefits of marijuana and how it can relieve sickness and help the appetite is not helpful as some oncologists won’t recommend it for their patients due to the fact that their chemo itself is already really hard on the liver. My oncologist was strict with this.

Repeated talk about how pharmaceutical companies are enemies of the state isn’t helpful. A cancer patient has enough to deal with navigating their own course of treatment to worry if their oncologist is just giving them drugs to pad their own pockets. An oncologist’s only job is to research cancer, and from that research prescribe medicine or immunology to target and get rid of that cancer. There are many specialists who only deal with certain types of cancers for focused therapy, too. A cancer patient and an oncologist work together on a path to kill cancer cells in the body.

Research and chemo therapies have improved dramatically over the last couple of decades, and some cancers are even managed as a chronic condition. Youtube videos sent via email of people lecturing on why doctors cannot be trusted or how cancer patients should treat themselves by vitamin supplements alone or positive willpower really doesn’t help anyone at all. Doom and gloom information that illustrates how their treatment is the wrong one doesn’t help, either.

Conversely, if your friend has done research and has made the decision for herself on alternative methods of treatment rather than traditional chemo and radiation, then you need to respect that. A woman has the right to choose for herself a plan, always.

My advice: If you know of someone diagnosed with breast cancer, respect their decision for treatment because they most likely have done the research themselves on how best to fight their form of cancer.

Lastly – be understanding.

As in, cancer is a total shock to the psyche. Simply put – the diagnosis itself is life altering. That’s just getting the news from the doctor, that the tests they took came out in the worst way possible and that they now have a major disease raging throughout their body. Life altering changes will be made, and sometimes the cure is devastatingly hard on the body and all the organs inside. And their mood will change day to day.

Ask them how their day is going. Offer to help in ways that are comfortable for them (for example, some people don’t want constant visitors at their house checking up on them). Pick up their newspaper and deliver it to their front door. Offer to run errands for them. Offer to walk their dog or pick their kids up from school. Offer to DRIVE them somewhere. Saying things like “I’m thinking about you today and I just wanted to say hi” or getting a little card that says that goes a long way. It’s all about support and being positive, and don’t take it badly if they sincerely decline every single offer you give them. Smile, hold their hand, and just be a friend. Sometimes, that is all a person needs.

Also, if you took the day off from your schedule for a lunch date or special outing with them, and they cancel because they’re just not up to it at the last minute, be flexible and understanding. What might have sounded great on the phone a week ago might be just too much for them on the day of. Remember, the lunch date wasn’t about you in the first place, it was meeting your friend and spending quality time with them. You can always reschedule.

My advice: While you can never really understand where they are coming from, just a gentle hand of support will often make their day.